Dear Britney,

Hey, it’s me, your dignity. I know we haven’t talked in a while but– no, no, don’t walk away…this will only take a second..I’m just writing you to tell you about how I feel about all the “media buzz” you’ve been generating lately. First off, I know it may not seem like it from what you’ve been telling yourself but you really, really have to burn every single piece of clothing you own ( except your unders ). If I see those cowboy boots one more time, I’m going to throw myself off of a cliff. Oh and anything fishnetty, sheer, see-through or looks reminiscent of the 80’s is just wrong to wear when you work out, especially when you’re a mother of two. Oh, what’s that? Those kids who follow you around? Yeah, they’re YOURS. They’re spawns of white-trash, corn-rowed back-up dancers and they’re YOURS. YOU decided to have them! Don’t you remember, Brit? When you first found out you were preggers? That’s when I left you for good! I took the advice from Jessica Simpson’s dignity and we left together. I am so embarrassed when other people’s dignities ask me who I used to belong to. I’m almost as embarassed as Paula Abdul’s dignity! That’s saying something!

Okay, and another thing, this one’s a RIOT. Let’s not forget about that statue of you, giving birth, DOGGY-STYLE! I mean really, who gives birth like that?? Just because it’s your favorite sexual position doesn’t mean you should let people forever sculpt you into a statue that gives birth like that! Where was your lawyer on this one? Why didn’t you try to stop it?!

Now look, I know we haven’t always agreed but you have to start thinking about your kids. If you want to go out and party and drink and fuck all night (no wait I take the last part back, I heard your sex appeal ran off with Cameron Diaz’s years ago), you should’ve thought about that before you decided to make other people suffer from your own selfishness! No one can stand you, Brit! Your own hair even decided to bone out! You think that the sudden urge to shave your head was a decision you made on your own?? No, Britney, no! It was repelled by you! It would rather live a life inside a plastic bag inside some bitch’s hair salon than on your own head! Yesterday, I was backpacking in Rome when I realized, it’s not even fun to make fun of you anymore-you make it too easy!So this is goodbye forever Britney. Don’t bother looking me up, I’m never coming back to you again.

Love,

Your Dignity

P.S. Tell Paris Hilton that her dignity told her to fuck off, too much time has passed since they parted for them to even think about getting back together!