TheTunaFish: Thank you for being with us today. So… we know that being a police officer is a tough job, but the public tends to hate cops, why is that?

Cop: First, I prefer Sir, and second no it’s not OK to look me in the eye, I could shoot you in your face for looking at me like that. I consider that a threat to my life, so I am totally within the law to shoot you in your fuck face.

TheTunaFish: OK, but my question is why does the public generally hate cops?

Cop: Two words; Jealousy.

TheTunaFish: That’s one word.

Cop: Look here you smart ass, do you want a speeding ticket?

TheTunaFish: I not in a car?

Cop: I have mace in my pocket!

TheTunaFish: Are you threatening me?

Cop: You sure got smart there quick, didn’t you chief?

TheTunaFish: OK, sorry we’ve obviously gotten off on the wrong foot… Let me ask you another question. Some people think that police officers often re-sell the drugs they get off the streets from the dealers. Is that a common occurrence? Do police officers sell drugs?

Cop: Black people sell drugs. Everyone knows that.

TheTunaFish: Good point.

Cop: And they like Kool-Aid.

TheTunaFish: That’s not fair.

Cop: Well, they do.

TheTunaFish: Which brings me to a question of race; do you treat any races differently from one another?

Cop: No, we treat the Mexicans, Blacks, and the ‘A’-rabs all the same.

TheTunaFish: What about whites?

Cop: I personally have never pulled over a white person, but I imagine if I did, I would treat them the same.

TheTunaFish: Oh, come on. You have never pulled over a white person?

Cop: Well once I pulled over a whitish looking person, but he turned out to be an Indian fellow, I ended up beating him like he was a Mexican though.

TheTunaFish: So you are kind of an asshole?

Cop: No it’s called machismo. Yea I piss standing up even when I take a dump, cause I am a macho man… Oh yea!

TheTunaFish: OK, well do woman find this “machoness” sexy?

Cop: Of course they do, and just look at me. Look, I’m a married man, but believe me when I say that if I wasn’t, I’d have more poon than that stud from American Idol.

TheTunaFish: Constantine?

Cop: No, Clay Aiken.

TheTunaFish: He’s gay.

Cop: Alright that’s it. I’m getting the night stick out! No one talks about Clay like that.

TheTunaFish: Are seriously going to beat me?

Cop: I’m just doin’ my job son, I’m protecting myself. Besides, I hate smarty pants, smug little pricks like you, you think you is smarter than us cops.

TheTunaFish: I am smarter than you.

Cop: Sir! SIR! I going to have to have you calm down! SIR! CALM DOWN!

TheTunaFish: What are you talking about? I am sitting right here, calm.

Cop: See what I did there? You may be smarter, but I have control of the situation.

TheTunaFish: Well I am interviewing you, and asking you the questions… so that would make me in control of the situation.

Cop: This interview is over, cock-sucker! License and Registration please.

TheTunaFish: Again, I’m not in a c-a-r.

Cop: That’s it! Get out of the car.

TheTunaFish: Are you serious? Are you a robot or something? Are we on a hidden camera show? You can’t be this dim-witted?

Cop (Weeping): I’m pathetic.

TheTunaFish: Yes, yes you are, thanks for being with us, and answering some questions. This concludes are interview for today.