Hi, my name is Ralph, and I am a robot, a robot just trying to feed his poor robot family. There isn’t much to tell you about myself, other than I am an extremely depressed unemployed robot. You see, I lost my job at the Chrysler factory where I assembled PT Cruisers and Neons a year ago. Back when I was working, life was good. My family always had plenty of oil for their squeaks and electricity for there batteries. I took pride in the fact that I could provide for my robot family. Now there is barely a glimpse of that family…

You see, since I lost my robot job, my wife had to become a HObot, and she start turning robot tricks to rich Japanese robots. It’s humiliating when you have to think about your poor HObot wife sucking a little robot wiener for some cash in order to feed our poor little robot family. I think it wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that we have to pay for little Jimmy’s out of warranty maintenance bills. You see… Jimmy isn’t like normal robots, when he was born, he wasn’t devloped fully and he was born a Daewoo TV. I know! I cry every time I think about it. Most sane robots wouldn’t keep a Daewoo TV if there life depended on it. Most robots would throw a Daewoo TV away the instant they came into possession of one (unless it was a Mexican robot, they will keep anything). Us though, we couldn’t throw away our own retarded TV, it just wouldn’t be right. If there is anyone wondering how a robot gives birth to a TV, we asked the robot doctors the same thing… and they just held their heads in their hands and shook their heads in shame.

Notwithstanding our retard robot child, the worst part about me loosing my job is that I have so much talent, but because I am an old white robot I am suddenly not an option anymore. They tell me I am too expensive to run, and too set in my ways. I hate to say it, but all the God-damned immigrant robots keep taking our jobs away. They come clanking over the border, with their lawnmowers, and fresh fruit, working in our homes and stealing our silverware, speaking in the gibberish language and filling our emergency rooms. In a way, I can’t say I blame them… I would do the same if I was in their position… Just like me, they’re just trying to feed their robot families. Even though I don’t blame them, I still can’t help but hate them.

I make a little money here and there, but trying to feed five squeaky robot mouths isn’t easy to do. Sometimes I hang out around the Robot Depot, with all the unemployed immigrant robots. Sometimes, we get picked up for a days work, but a days work here and there is never enough. So, to make a little extra money, and to cheer myself up a bit, sometimes I go down to the beach and dance the robot, and passing people give me spare change… One time this human tried to challenge me to robot dance off, and I am happy to say I served him so bad we had to call an ambulance. Yes, he got served that bad! Everyone should know, never challenge a robot to a robot dance off, because you will get your ass handed to you on a silvery looking platter.

Maybe there is a just a glimpse of robot hope for me in the future. I just found out that I can go on robot welfare, and I don’t have to do anything for it. I can just sit on my metallic ass all day and collect a paycheck. I also found out that the more robotlings that my HObot wife has, the more money we can collect. Well whatever happens now, I’m pretty sure that I can live off the government for the rest of my days. I may not live well, but well enough to not want to be anything better, and that’s just good enough for me.