Let me start by formally introducing myself, I am a Dell keyboard model RT7D20. I am the standard, black in color Dell keyboard. I am just a simple keyboard, and please don’t confuse me with one of those faggy new keyboards bathed in strips of brushed aluminum that are totally useless. No, I am just the plain, gets the job done keyboard. I don’t have any of those “additional” buttons that help retarded home users get to the internet by simply clicking the “internet button.” Yep, I am just your average keyboard.

The interesting part of my life started at Dell’s main US warehouse, I remember it like it was yesterday… It was a cool morning; a Tuesday morning in fact. A cool breeze from the north could be felt as it seeped in the creases of my cardboard box coverings, which sent shivers down my rubber cord. The air was crisp, and smelled of morning dew. I was on the top of the stack of keyboards, and I knew I was next to be paired with a new computer system, I was enthralled, almost giddy… but then suddenly a huge gust of wind came in from the north and I was jolted of the shelf hitting the ground with a loud SCHWAPP, slightly dislodging me from my box. Slightly disheveled, if I had arms I would’ve brushed my self off, but I don’t so I just sat there waiting for someone to come and put me back on the shelf. Finally, some fat punk ass kid walking by my aisle noticed me laying sprawled out on the concrete like a broken down hooker in the gutter, and you know what he says to me? “God-damn, piece of shit keyboard,” as he proceeds to pick me up and chuck my ass back on the shelf. What a fucking asshole, what the fuck did I ever do to him? In retrospect he was the least of my worries.

Later that day, I was packaged with a Dell 9100 series home computer on my way to Huntington Beach, California. Finally I was on my way to my permanent home. Once unpackaged and put together with my system, I noticed that I was in a very nice home office. That night was like a dream, my new family was great! The whole family gathered around the computer like a cheesy fifties sitcom, they all seemed so fake, but at least they where white! I thought I made out pretty good, but what horrors lied beneath the surface were anything but.

The next day was pretty scandalous… The kids, Mercedes and Bryce were off to school and Jim was at work. At about 11:30, Alexis came down stairs looking like she had a pretty hard night. In fact, she looked beat the fuck up. Later she made a pretty lame attempt at trying to use the computer. She stumbled in the office, with a martini in tow, and sat down at the desk mumbling, trying to turn the computer on. She kept tapping on my Esc key. What a fucking genius… After a few feeble attempts, she mumbled some more about a Vicodin and a Valium, and stumbled her way back into the kitchen. At 1:00 the cable man showed up to install a cable modem to get me on the internet. You know, I must confess it was like a bad seventies porno. Before I knew it, Alexis came in the office and was all over the cable man. It was quite disgusting, I’m not gay but that cable jockey wasn’t even semi-attractive; he was all covered in sweat and hair. It was horrific, they kept moaning and grunting, and they were so close to me that the sweat kept flying off his back and landing on me. I just closed my eyes and waited for it to stop and go away.

At this point, the only normal one in the house appeared to be the father Jim. He knew how to use a computer, and actually used me for productive things, like email, news, and stock quotes. The next day, I however, discovered some other family members to be more deviant. As this was apparent when the family left for Mercedes’ pep rally, Bryce the 15 year old son stayed home and “surfed” the internet. Oh, the corruption of the young man’s mind. First he started out tame, looking at new Mustangs on ford.com, and from there he went to caranddriver.com, and then out of the blue the kid goes and does a Google search on naked grandmas… what a pervert! At first I thought he was just being curious, but Web site after Web site of naked old ladies he seemed to get more and more into it. Just when I thought I started to get sick of him looking at this shit, it gets much, much worse. I must confess this is a dark day for me, it’s hard even talking about it, but for the sake of someone stopping the little bastard someday, I will go on… So this little fuck-stain decides to refine his search to naked grandmas on the toilet. Oh the humanity! I was praying to God, the family would come home, but nay, that didn’t happen. So what could be worse than him looking at naked old women on toilets? Well, I thought it couldn’t get any more horrifying either… and then he did the unthinkable… Yes, that’s right his wiener came out of his pants! He kept waving it around, and oh God… he kept taping me with it. Who taps their dick on a keyboard, Goddammit!!!? Who? I was so humiliated; I just closed my eyes, and again, waited for it to stop. Eventually he did stop, but not before he came all over the place, and I am sorry to say, a drop or two landed on me… Maybe you didn’t hear me? HE GOT JIZZ ON ME! I wanted to die… and again if I had arms I would have choked him to death. I will hate that kid for the rest of my life.

The next week things were better; because, there was no time for Bryce to come near me, as there was always someone home. Thank God, that little pervert stayed away from me. Then one day Jim came home with a box and in it was a Logitech LX700. That bastard! How you going to do me like that? A wireless keyboard and mouse huh? I see how it is, that’s fine with me because I’d rather spend my days in the dumpster anyway. I rather live my days out at the dump than with your fucking family. With the exception Mercedes, who has nice boobs, they are all a bunch of human trash. Jim just unplugged me like I was a hooker he was finished with and handed me to Bryce, and said, “You want this keyboard? It’s newer than the one you have in your room.” To which he replied, “Yea, I guess.” NO! NO! NO! Now I was going to be subjected to life of peeing grandmas and horse porn (oh yea, he likes that too).

So here I am, confessing my horrible life as a keyboard. Living out my cum covered, emasculated days in Bryce’s bedroom, or what I like to call it, Bryce’s palace of perversion. Honestly though, I have been thinking about suicide, it’s the only way out, I think. If I can part any wisdom with you though, it would be, the next time you look at porn, please think of the keyboards!