Dear Britney,

Hey, it’s me, your dignity. I know we haven’t talked in a while but– no, no, don’t walk away…this will only take a second..I’m just writing you to tell you about how I feel about all the “media buzz” you’ve been generating lately. First off, I know it may not seem like it from what you’ve been telling yourself but you really, really have to burn every single piece of clothing you own ( except your unders ). If I see those cowboy boots one more time, I’m going to throw myself off of a cliff. (more…)

Mom, look, it’s so lame you had to come with me to the mall. I mean, honestly, i look like a total loser who has to have her mommy drop her off in her goddamn embarassing Lexus SUV. If you could just leave me alone for two seconds so I can go into Hollister and do some shopping. No Mom, you can’t come with, I’ll just die of embarassment. (more…)

TheTunaFish: Thank you for being with us today. So… we know that being a police officer is a tough job, but the public tends to hate cops, why is that?

Cop: First, I prefer Sir, and second no it’s not OK to look me in the eye, I could shoot you in your face for looking at me like that. I consider that a threat to my life, so I am totally within the law to shoot you in your fuck face.

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Hi, my name is Ralph, and I am a robot, a robot just trying to feed his poor robot family. There isn’t much to tell you about myself, other than I am an extremely depressed unemployed robot. You see, I lost my job at the Chrysler factory where I assembled PT Cruisers and Neons a year ago. Back when I was working, life was good. My family always had plenty of oil for their squeaks and electricity for there batteries. I took pride in the fact that I could provide for my robot family. Now there is barely a glimpse of that family…

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Let me start by formally introducing myself, I am a Dell keyboard model RT7D20. I am the standard, black in color Dell keyboard. I am just a simple keyboard, and please don’t confuse me with one of those faggy new keyboards bathed in strips of brushed aluminum that are totally useless. No, I am just the plain, gets the job done keyboard. I don’t have any of those “additional” buttons that help retarded home users get to the internet by simply clicking the “internet button.” Yep, I am just your average keyboard.

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